Today we Celebrate!

Every milestone with Jack is an opportunity to celebrate! With everything he has to overcome and sometimes the slowness in which it comes we celebrate everything! We celebrate him going potty, we celebrate him going poo, we celebrate the fact that he can put on his own clothes! Even he celebrates....today was extra special because today he lost his first tooth!! I wasn't sure what the time line would be for him. With Jackson we take everything as it comes. We know he'll be able to accomplish everything we may just not know when and that is okay with us, because when it does come it is so very awesome! I guess you could say that the patience I requested when I was trying to get pregnant with my first has come back to reward me with continual patience and understanding. Not that it is easy mind you, but it makes the milestones he achieves that much more precious...I can totally relate to Mary treasuring those simple things in her heart because Jackson's milestones do the same for me.

Yesterday Jackson showed me his mouth with his finger and I looked in there and noticed his tooth was a bit wiggly. This morning it was still there and very wiggly...a couple of hours later it was gone. We have no idea what happened to the tooth, we're not sure if he swallowed it or if he threw it in the trash. What we do know is that the tooth fairy does not discriminate and she will make an appearance this evening! Jackson is not quite sure what to do with this new hole in his mouth, but his new tooth has already made an appearance through the gum so it won't be too long before that space is filled.

This month has been quite a busy month for Jackson, he has chosen to become completely potty trained and no longer requires pull-ups during the day or night and the loss of his first tooth...of course we can't forget that he also turned 6!! It still amazes me how much he's grown, from a little man who was basically a failure to thrive to now a 52lb boy who is potty trained and 1 tooth less. He amazes me in so many ways that I can't help but enjoy him!

Everything Matters!

A couple of weeks ago D and I were watching "In Plain Sight" which is a show about wit sec protection program (not a reality show). On this particular show, one of the characters (Marshall Marshall)...(yes he is a Marshall who's first name is Marshall and yes they make fun of it on the show!)Anyway, Marshall was helping a teenager settle into his new environment at a boarding school while awaiting to give his testimony. I can't quite remember what sparked the conversation, but what struck me was that Marshall told him "Everything matters!" Marshall told the teenager that it matters what you think, how you feel, what you do...regardless of what people say, it all matters!

I have always lived by "everything happens for a reason," we may not know the reason at the time, but after looking back we can always find it! Anyway, the same time this show came on I was trying to figure out what we as a team (for school) needed to do to reach our kids. Our school if very rich in diversity, all students come with rich experiences which may not lead to educational experiences. We ( the teachers) work hard to ensure they learn everything they need to learn and be able to apply their knowledge to their home environment, otherwise what is the point! When I watched "In Plain Sight" I knew that this was something that needed to be shared and recognized next year...I'm hoping it will help make a difference.

To take it a step further I applied it to my life and quite honestly I think that both ideas "Everything happens for a reason, and Everything matters" go hand-in-hand. When Jackson was born and was diagnosed at the age of 2 months I witnessed this first hand. In the following months and years I have come to realize how wonderfully intricate everything is, how important everything is to achieve 1 simple goal. For example, for Jackson to be able to eat food, he had to reach the goal of being able to sit up because those muscles in the abdomen worked together with the swallowing aspect. I found out that in order for him to be able to drink out of a cup or a straw he had to have tremendous sucking power, so we made him sit up to take his bottles and he had to have the Playtex bottles with the bags so he could learn to suck up his formula. Who knew that all these things would be such an important part of something we do every day? Who knew we were so intricately designed to work in that particular fashion. At one point we had to get on a cellular level to see the master plan. This is so relevant to how we meet each day. So often we are on the cellular level that it's difficult to see the master plan. We often get frustrated because we feel as though we are going nowhere...but remember everything matters and even though it may not matter to you, someone is watching, taking it all in and learning from your experiences. Everything happens for a reason and know that each thought, each action, each trial, each happiness and celebration matters!

YOU MATTER!!

The adventures of selling/buying a home

It has been said (by whom I have no idea) that the most stressful things in life are getting a new job, death, and moving (buying or selling a house). I never truly believed all of this until recently. I knew that a new job was stressful as was a death in the family but thought they were exaggerating about the whole house thing. I figured they just had a bad experience or were not prepared. When we bought our 1st house almost 11 years ago, the process was really rather painless. Using our VA loan most of everything was handled for us and the down payment was minimal. Overall the experience was really pretty easy and pleasant! We had only been married a couple of years and had no children and at the time had difficulties conceiving, so this house was perfect for us. Things quickly began to change! After living in the house almost a year things began to change... having 4 kids in a matter of 5 years began to overload our little house of 1100 sq.ft. So 2 years ago we decided to move. Everything was in place we had the money and we moved to another house that we ended up buying. This was the only way we could put our house on the market! There was no way we would have been able to sell our house with us living in it...too small, too many people. Anyway, things happened etc, etc and we finally put the house on the market in November.
One thing I have realized throughout this process is you never know what is going to happen. You never know what will attract the buyer, will it be the feel of the home, the layout, convenience? We painted inside and out, we made changes to the house that was never made while we were in the house...still no sale. So we decided to lay carpet where carpet had once been instead of showcasing the original hardwood floor. Originally we had given a flooring allowance to restore the floors but that didn't seem to satisfy those who were looking. Once the carpet had been laid we had a contract 2 days later....AMAZING! Who knew that laying carpet would have made that much difference. So we were excited. We haggled closing price and were awaiting the end of the buyer's remorse option as well as seeing the inspection report. We thought we would be in the clear...til the report came.
Some how, some way we have to replace the roof and now we have an engineer looking at the foundation of the house. This is not what we had hoped for. Darren's first thought was to take it off the market, he was furious. But after some thought he realized it just needed to be done. What we thought we would be coming away with will not be the case. Why can't it be easy? Why can't everything go smoothly? However, they accepted what we would take care of and the saga continues. So they will have a new roof and we will fix the foundation if necessary, whatever it takes to sell that house and get it off our books! We are tired of paying 2 mortgages and dumping money into a house that is no longer a part of our lives. We're just ready to see an end!
With that being said I can easily say that I miss that house! I has so many memories for us, so much happened there. But there was no way we could have stayed and the move has been good, tough but good! But after all is said and done I think we'll just stop...we'll be here for a while!

Easier said than done!

Many families make plans to go and do and often times when other families get together there is so much thought in the planning and food that often the kids are not considered. In a family with typically developing kids there is no reason to think about the kids because for the most part kids are self-reliant and the mere pop in a movie or bring a few toys is a pretty easy problem solver. For the most part kids can pretty much find their own things to play with or are easily persuaded to do just about anything. Pool parties are fun with hardly any worries, gatherings outside are a time where parents can relax and the kids can play full knowing the kids are safe.

Though this describes most families it does not describe ours. Any time and I mean anytime we are going somewhere we are constantly thinking about the ramifications. We continually survey what will happen while we are there and the problems we may incur. We are NOT your typical family, we are a special needs family and though we strive to be just like everyone else we know that there is a much deeper thought process that must always go on before we make decisions. Jackson is at our continual forethought. Jackson is now 6 years old and though for most people he would be much easier to maintain, this is not always true. Though he is 6 developmentally he is about 2 or 3. He doesn't understand why certain noises bother him and he just wants to cover his ears and go away. He doesn't understand why he just can't go somewhere or what he is supposed to do each minute of the day to keep him occupied. Cause and effect is not something he has grasped yet and because of these processes we have to make sure he will always have something to do and that he will be safe. More than that, if we are going with friends will we have the opportunity to relax or will be continually running around? If it's a new place I can safely say we'll be running around, thus we'd rather stay home.

We never know what will set him off, it could be the crying of a baby or the loud noises children make when they are running around. We never know how other children will perceive him...often they see him, but never play with him only stare or run away from him or tell me everything he's doing wrong! We must always bring toys for him to play with because we know that there are certain toys that can entertain him for long periods of time. We also know the DVD's he enjoys and calms him so we always have those available for him to watch, even if it means I go to the car and he watches it there. It's never easy!

If you do not have a special needs child this will be something you will never understand, you can pity the situation or be on the opposite side and say we are too concerned but all I can say is that if it means peace of mind and sometimes peace and quiet, then these are the precautions we must take.

Yesterday we decided to try taking the kids to the beach. We have been asked several times to go to the beach with friends, etc but always said no for a couple of reasons: Past experiences have never been good and we didn't want to commit, get there, then leave and feel bad that we had to because is wasn't working out with Jack. So we chose to try as a family to go to the beach. It was touch and go for a little bit, but overall it was a relaxing time. We got Jackson used to the water and playing with his brother and sisters, then they began to make sandcastles and Jackson would get water to fill in the moat. Darren and I could sit down and watch everything take place without the worry of Jackson going into the water and going too far in. We noticed that he still loses his balance even a knee deep water which tells us he is still not ready to go much further. Unfortunately this poses problems with our other kids who want to trek further out. Anytime they started to go out, Jackson would follow not understanding that the water was getting deeper and he wouldn't be able to keep balance. However, yesterday there was a nice area where Jackson could play without the threat of waves due to the sand bars that were breaking the waves for him. He was able to sit in the water without the worry of falling over but mostly he found most of his time playing in the sand. Is this to say it will always be this way? Who knows, will it be different with other families involved, probably so, but now that we know what attracts him and keep him busy and that's the important part. So we will continue to attempt going to the beach allowing him to become accustomed to the water and our expectations in hopes that we will find a pattern that works for us.

I think the hardest part in all of this is not being able to be a part of everything. We miss so much, but to us it is worth it for sanity. For us to continually check to see where Jack is, what he's doing, what he's getting into is a lot of work because he must always be in our sights. Water is not our friend because for Jack it is an attraction he is constantly pulled toward even though he can't swim and even with a life jacket on it is difficult to keep him upright. It is so difficult to explain! If you would have told me about this before having Jack I would have thought , you're babying him, coddling him, you just need to get over it and let him just do. It's just not that simple when he doesn't have the check system most people are born with and learn at a young age. It's not that simple when he begins to break down and start crying becoming a blob on the floor that is difficult to pick up off the ground. It's not that simple when he becomes so frustrated he gets aggressive and starts hitting other children to either get attention or to get them to play with him. It just not that simple. And though I do not expect many parents to understand I did want to shed some light on our situation. 

So when we say we can't please know that we are desperately saying yes inside, but also know that in the best interest of us and our family we just can't at this time. This is not to say that next time will be the same because Jackson is always changing and growing. Every day is a new day and we always take it one day at a time!

It always get harder!

As I read other blogs of mom's with small children or mom's with small children and expecting another I can't help but laugh. I don't laugh at them because they are silly, I merely laugh because I was there once and thought the exact same things. As they go about their very busy toddler day wondering if it will ever get better I want to say, enjoy what you have while you have it! I say this because we always look at others and assume it must get easier if my kids are in school, or it must get easier when my kids are in high school, or even get better once they are out of the house. Though I am by no means to this point, I think I can safely say that it doesn't get easier, the problems just become more in-depth and complex.
When my kids were toddlers I thought there would be no end to the insanity. I never thought I would see the end of the diaper trail, the odoriferous trash cans and dirty clothes. All I wanted was for my children to be able to talk to me without screaming because all but 1 of my children had speaking disabilities. It seemed that I could never catch a break. My 3rd child didn't walk until she was almost 18 months old and Jack, well that put everything into perspective. After having J I realized that it didn't matter if they stopped sucking their thumb at a certain age, it didn't matter if they could put their clothes on by themselves by the time they were walking or when they rolled over or got their teeth, because I realized that in the long run this would all be done and taken for granted by the time they were high school graduates. Little did I know that the toddler years were the simplest.
Now that I have all 4 children in elementary school, with 1 going into middle school I feel that the struggles have only just begun. Now the worries of what milestones they have accomplished have fallen by the wayside and our focus is on their ability to learn, understand, and be successful students. As a teacher I can say that every one learns in their own pace, some faster than others and as a teacher we provide for that gap. However, after the struggles we have endured the past 2 years with our own children, it has been difficult as we ask ourselves is this something they will grow out of or is their something more? I take great pride in knowing and understanding my kids. I can smell when their are sick (yes I know it's weird, but it's my mom sense), I know when something is troubling them and they are waiting to spill. But I always doubt myself when I find something that I think could have been caught before the struggles began.
This year my kids began to struggle in school. I don't mean socially, but educationally. I knew that this was their second year in a new school and it was more rigorous than the previous, but D and I worked diligently with them to catch up, however it wasn't working. First came Madeline. Since the first grade she has struggled, she went to summer school after her first grade year to catch up, was still low, but moved to second and a new school. We figured she was so shy and quiet she didn't ask enough questions and fell by the wayside (not the squeaky wheel). She struggled all year long, was tested for special education but found that her IQ was above average. She struggled in reading and comprehension. It was suggested that she repeat second grade, but I knew that she could catch up, all my kids are the underdog champions. So we moved her to the third grade. After the third week we spoke with her teachers to see how she was doing (we keep close contact with our teachers because we want them to be as informed about our kids as much as possible). After meeting with the teachers and seeing her struggles so soon into third we decided to move her back to second, then saw the Dr. about possible ADD, she was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, after placed on medication, her grades and reading ability shot through the roof. Then.....
We noticed Zachary began to struggle, his teachers noticed that he had difficulty concentrating, couldn't understand and follow directions thoroughly. He was getting frustrated. His grades had never been stellar, 70's and 80's, but he was working hard and I knew that because he is a pleaser. After testing him we found he had ADD. Once he was on the medication his grades began to climb and for the first time in 4 years he was on honor roll. 
As if 2 weren't enough Anna along the same timeline was struggling with reading. At the beginning of 1st grade she was reading on a middle of Kindergarten year level, 0.6. By November there was not much progression. Anna was not enjoying herself, she was frustrated that others were reading better than her, she couldn't remember the instructions, she couldn't think fast enough. After working diligently with her teacher and having A go to after school tutoring, I could see we were not making progress. By now we are late January, she had not progressed at all. After seeing remarkable results with the other two I suggested to have her tested and sure enough she was ADD. Her reading soared from a 0.6 to 3.2 in less than 3 months...a third grade reading level! She was confident about her math facts and was working tangrams and other puzzles that most kids her age do not do.
While going through this difficult year I beat myself up because I knew that I didn't read to my kids when they were little every night because I needed to work on school work to get a degree to help take care of my kids. I hated the fact that I had heard so many times the benefits of reading to children and knew how much I had enjoyed being read to as a kid. With 4 kids within 18 months of each other it was a struggle to do every thing a mom is supposed to do for all....but was nothing in comparison to the struggles and decisions we have had to make in their best interests this year. It was tough knowing that Madeline tested for ADD/ADHD and we didn't know until it was too late, had we known in first grade she may not have been pulled back to a lower grade. But we did the best with what we had.  I guess as parents that is all we can do.
Hind sight is always 20/20 and I hope and pray that I will continually assess the needs of my kids on what they need. Jackson has taught me to stop looking at what others are doing, though it is a good measuring point each child brings to the table their own abilities that far outweigh anyone elses. We are all made for different things, to pose different ideas, to come up with different experiences that make each of us unique, so why work as a whole, why not embrace the individual? I know the toddler years were tough, but in comparison, it was nothing like this stage. I can only imagine what it will be like when the school work becomes more demanding. I just hope that we have laid the ground work for our children to be successful. I pray that their education will become less of a struggle so they can begin to see who they can be instead of what they are not. The elementary school years have been a huge learning curve for my kiddos. We have tried to teach them to look at only themselves and not worry about how fast others are going. We have taught them how to complete their school work when they get home, to ask questions and trust their teachers. We have also shown them the relationships that we have with their teachers so they know we are working together to make them better students. So much is learned in the elementary schools years that make the toddler years seem like a walk in the park.
So as you are struggling with whatever age group your child is in remember to be there for those who come behind you to remind them everything will be okay. It is important to go through the struggles to prepare you for what happens in life later on. If we did not struggle, we would not grow. It is important to lend an ear and be a should to cry on for those mom's who are crying out with young ones and let them know it's okay they will get through it. Everyone finds their way, they just have to believe and be encourage to run through it!

Tomorrow she turns 9!

I try very hard to make sure that each of my children know their place in this family and the important mark they make in the world. Tomorrow we celebrate Madeline's 9th birthday! It's hard to believe she will be 9. I can remember vividly the day she was born, her first year of her life and all I can say is I'm sorry! I struggled a lot with her, finding at delivery she was a boy and having what I now think was post-pardom depression. It was a devastating year...it was the year of 911, a mother who drowned her 4 kids and sent to prison, it was tough in the news and tough at home.But we survived and I did what I could do, love her.

Madeline is so much like me it's scary. She's caddy, witty, smart, moody, creative, loving, quiet, and introspective. This is not to say that all of these describe me, because they do not. This little girl has a big heart and many times wears it on her sleeve. I see portions of me that I want to say Why?? Because I have seen the hurt it has caused many people and I know that if I could do it over again I would, thus why have her life go that way? However, through my struggles I have learned who I am and what I can do, which makes me cheer her on. She is a middle child of sorts, kind of gets lost in the shuffle, expected to hold her own. I feel that she will be a tremendous young lady who will make a difference in this world, when she finds out her place. She still hasn't found her niche, but together we are working on it slowly.

This little girl is creative! She can dance, loves to sing, can draw, swim and so much more that we have not discovered. I hope the next few years Madeline begins to see what she can do and have confidence, take pride in what she accomplishes without regret. I have never regretted having my children, they are all uniquely awesome. Though we may struggle in life I can say that I am so proud of their accomplishments and their learning moments!

Happy Birthday Madeline! May you always know how much you are loved, admired, and enjoyed!